Forgiveness

I believe to have a good healthy heart and soul you are supposed to forgive. God forgives us everyday without question, but as a flawed person I am having trouble with this concept! I want to forgive him but being hurt by one of the people you are supposed to trust the most is a very hard thing to move past... Even if the pain and tears that he caused were cleaned up by another, it is still so hard to move on!

I thought I had moved on and healed and was doing what was best for my family, but then I get a phone call and he asks me to be there for him... WHY??? Why on Earth would I do that? That's what I wanted to scream and yell at him, all those years without you, crying and waiting for you to show up or care... a few other things I wanted to say, but I didn't!!! I held my tongue, I was silent as he spoke and I listened to him cry on the other end of the phone. I felt sorry and angry and sad... I really just don't know what to say!

I think the biggest problem is that there has been no closer with any of this and he goes along thinking everything is fine, when in reality it's not... AT ALL! It is hard for me to forgive him when he won't even say "I'm sorry"!

Forgive, it is such an easy word to say but such a hard choice to make!!!

At Last...

WELCOME HOME DADDY!!!

What a great weekend!!! It was filled with so much excitement and joy and finally

RELIEF!!!

J got home at 0230 am on Monday morning and it was amazing!!!

He finally got to meet his baby girl...

I decided that I was just going to wake the kids up and take them!!! N and I had talked about this day since J left in October and I just couldn't

not take him!

I would be taking away a memory that I felt was more important

than a few hours of cranky N

and to boot I had my partner back to help me handle

cranky N!!!

They both did great! Family show time was supposed to be 2330 but J called me and I knew they were still a few hours away...

So I let those baby's sleep and then when I couldn't take it anymore

I got them up and we went to wait!

Could have waited a little longer cuz we waited for about 2 hours...

oh well!!!

My feelings are pretty bittersweet right now! I am so THRILLED that J is home but I am so SAD that there are so many that did not!

My thoughts and prayers are with those men and women and their family's!!!

Expectation

Homecoming

is so close I can taste it and with that comes this pretty little picture I paint in my

head...

My little family all dressed up, waiting oh so patiently on the man of my dreams to walk off that bus! N not having one meltdown or smudge of dirt on him, M snuggled in my arms waiting happily for the Daddy she has not met, and me in my dress looking smokin hot... We both see each other at the exact same time and meet in each others embrace, it really is lovely!!!

Then ReAliTy sets in

and I know that N and M will be cranky from waiting or from not getting the sleep they both need b/c we are waiting!!! I wish I was about 25 lbs lighter (but that ain't happening...) I wont see him until he taps me on my shoulder and when I hand him M she is just going to scream!

I hope that doesn't happen!

I am not sure how N is going to react and that ScArEs me just a little!!!

But none of that matters b/c all I really dream about is having J home in my arms... so homecoming expectations are really a moot point,

I really only have one

and that is him

HOME!!!

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day!!!

I can't believe that I am celebrating Mother's Day this year as a mom of two!!! It has been so very crazy over this past year with a deployment, pregnancy, a CrAzY three year old, and a beautiful new addition!!!

I am so very lucky to be able to call myself a Mom and beyond blessed to have N and M!!!

I am also blessed b/c I have the MOST Ahhhh-MaZinG Mom!!! She is the strongest woman I have ever met and I strive to be as open and honest (and sometimes just flat out blunt) as she is!!! She is a wonderful example for my sister and I to follow and I hope that I will be as GREAT of a mom as she has been to us!!! She LOVEs with her whole heart and I can feel that love from all these miles that we are apart!

I LOVE YOU, Momma

&

Happy Mother's Day!!!

Just not right

So this morning while I was feeding my beautiful little M, I saw this story on the news (which is a rarity in itself b/c I don't watch the news)...

Runaway Mom Tiffany Tehan Didn't Think Search Would Go Nationwide

And it made me furious!!!

I mean for a woman to runaway from her husband and baby b/c she felt to much pressure or, "In a nutshell I was feeling pretty overwhelmed with life, just the pressures of work and raising a 1-year-old daughter,"

Do you really think for one minute there isn't times that I would like to just "runaway"? BUT that will NEVER happen, I chose to bring these baby's into this world and it is MY sole responsibility to make sure they are taken care of... YES, it is hard its not supposed to be easy!!! I am raising children and I want them to grow and learn that when things get hard you DON'T give up and runaway!!!

But, I guess in today's world, when so many people don't think they have to be accountable for their actions, that this is what we should expect... the lady that did the interview was so nice and I just wanted to SCREAM at them and tell them to GROW UP!!!

I guess the only positive out of this whole situation is that these people have agreed to make full restitution for the search... that by the way they didn't think would take place!!! And that she didn't hurt her baby!